Introduction

June 28, 2025, Saturday Home 630 am Four days ago, June 24, 2025, Tuesday, I woke up with right flank pain. The pain lasted for 30 minutes. I was screaming. There was no radiation of pain. It was like a bad spasm; I called Bella and asked her to come home. We went to the urgent care on Tenaya. Urine test showed blood. It was a kidney stone. The CT scan was initially looked at by the doctor. She said there was no stone. She wanted to wait for the official radiology findings. I came home and went to sleep. In the afternoon, she called. The radiologist confirmed that there was no stone. However, he found a lesion in the pancreas. “A lesion?” I thought. A quick black cloud hoovered over me. My first thought was, “Shit! This is not good.” Then the second thought was, “This is it!” Then I asked her, “What is the size?” she said, “1.5 cm. It was hypodense.” Pancreatic lesion. The first diagnosis was always cancer. The bad news was, most pancreatic cancer, when diagnosed, are metastatic. Over the years, I have encountered patients with pancreatic cancer. One patient in New Mexico went for Whipple procedure in MD Anderson Houston. The wife and him stayed there for 3 months. He went back to Albuquerque, continued to live for another 2 years and passed away. The wife was also my patient. Gordon, the husband of my secretary Nancy, died within a year of diagnosis. Recently, I saw a patient at the age of 51, pancreatic cancer stage 4. He went through chemotherapy. When I saw him again after three months, he looked like 80 years old. Very weak, sitting in a wheelchair. In the last few days, Bella and I had many discussions about this. My decision is still the same, I do not want surgery. I do not want chemotherapy. Today as I walked the dog, a thought came in, the situation is like this: I have a river of charcoal in front of me. You want me to step on the burning charcoal and cross the river? What is on the other side of the river that it’s worth it for me to go through the pain of crossing this river of charcoal? What? Ten million dollars? Seeing my two granddaughters grow up? Living happily ever after with the woman I love? What? It is a very simple question. Also, when I told other people about my condition, most of them responded with: Let’s be positive! I will include you in my prayers. Is that enough? I do not know. Is that the comfort that I am looking for? All these years, I took care of other people. Yes, I did indulge in lots of pleasure trips myself. Fine dining, flying business class, playing expensive golf courses, custom made a driver which cost $800 dollars. At the end of the day, I still must deal with my anxiety and PTSD. I am a “people pleaser” because of my anxiety and PTSD. I had been to therapy. I read and write books and make YouTube videos. I tried my very best to survive and make a living. At this point, I am tired. Yes, again, the question is, what is on the other side of the river that is worthwhile for me to step on that river of burning charcoal? What